The Tardis and the Timelord

Of the small amount of TV I end up watching, it's been a while since I've followed a show for very long. Of course I have all my Twilight Zone and Simpsons DVDs- classic favorites in which I can always turn to for entertainment and various life-lessons. But this year, I've stayed caught up with every new episode of the BBC series Doctor Who, which celebrates its 48th-year anniversary today!

The Doctor, his companions, and the various monsters have given me a[nother] good reason to stay in on Saturday nights to catch their latest adventures. I even found myself seeing the cast at their DVD release party this summer in Hollywood! (Woohoo!) I'm a bit surprised more people I know haven't heard of this show.. My mom watched it in the 70s, with Tom Baker and his significant scarf; and I still can enjoy the same show nowdays with Matt Smith and his quirky bowtie. A seemingly timeless series, perhaps because its plot involves time, and total control of it. And, while this blog would be much too long if I went into all that, it's the main reason I'm so into the concept of this show. Who wouldn't want to be in charge of time and where you fit into it?

I guess I'm now an official "Whovian"!

Whenever I think of Doctor Who, I instantly wish I had 2 things- A tardis and a timelord. (Well, 3 things if you count the fact I've always wanted a British accent...) The main character, the Doctor, is a timelord- a man from another planet that has the ability to go anywhere in time and space, exploring different eras on Earth, as well as inhabitants and activity on distant planets. The Doctor's time machine, called the Tardis, gives him the means to travel this way.
What I wouldn't give to have these elements in my life. I'd have met my greatest match, and my bug to be on the move would stay satisfied in such an ultimate way. But until a timelord lands his tardis in my backyard and takes me away into another life of new adventures, I'll have to just pull inspiration from the TV show...

One of my favorite episodes involves the Doctor's time machine temporarily becoming human in a woman's form- allowing them to finally verbally communicate with each other. The Doctor complains that she never takes him where he wants to go, and she replies "but I always take you where you NEED to go." He learns to put more trust and confidence in his travelling vessel, making it easier to relinquish control and enjoy the ride. He has to take care of her, but understands that in return, she'll keep him on the right path.
I've been trying to do the same in my life- making it easy to let fate steer me in the right directions. Even though it sometimes feels like it's pulling me away from everything I want and have been heading for, I know that unplanned opportunities happen for a reason, and I don't wanna miss a thing. This will probably always keep me travelling in some way or another, but also knowing when to stop at whatever points I need to.

The last page of my new Doctor Who comic book. (Wow, I AM a nerd..) Some awesome dialog at the end- The Doctor states, "The whole point of travelling is to find a place you want to call HOME!" (Odd to read this after writing my last blog..) His companion Amy Pond says, "So, we travel until we find a HOME, eh Doctor? So where's YOURS?" The Doctor replies, "Oh, mine found me before I even started travelling... ...and she's looked after me ever since."

In another episode I've watched many times and love for many reasons, the Doctor and his companions keep falling asleep and waking up between two different chapters of their lives. A "dream lord" says they need to choose which one is a dream and which is reality. The Doctor realizes "This is gonna be a tricky one.." The expression on his face always sticks in my mind. His eyes show concern and a need for figuring this out correctly through the confusion. But then his mouth forms this smirk that shows he's gonna enjoy this escapade and whatever comes with it, even in its difficulty.

And that's what I love the most about the Doctor's character. Sure he has crazy abilities to time-travel, do just about anything with his magic "sonic screwdriver", and form relationships with countless people throughout the history of this planet and beyond.. Yet he still possesses humanistic traits that hinder him at times- uncertainty, doubt, inexperience, fear, the need for friendship.. Even with compensation for those feelings resulting in sometimes recalculating plans, he works with what he has, smiles at a challenge, and accepts whatever the outcome- not seeming to ever fully rely on his capability to travel through time, because it doesn't always work out the way he'd plan- if he even knew how to plan it at all.

I feel like that fully describes me- partly in who I've been over the years, and partly who I hope to become in my journeys ahead. Even though, like the Doctor, I'm not always sure of myself, what to do, or what will happen next, I want to try and face everything with both caution and confidence, and always remember to enjoy the ride uncovering all that life has in store for me.

"Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do, then I should warn you- you're gonna see all sorts of things... It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be- the trip of a lifetime."
-Doctor Who, The 9th Doctor

Still busy enough time-travelling at the normal pace,

~emjae.

The Next Best Thing

Seems my life and the style I choose to live it have always been defined by 2 things- running away and searching. Never been able to pinpoint exactly what I need to run from or search for, but the feelings are persistently there. Gotta keep moving, changing, looking for the next best thing...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Catch that train, jump on that plane, here and there and back again. Well it seems like some kind of cruel fate, Keep me moving, moving in a permanent restless state. Seems like some days I don't have any goal, It's just the gypsy in my soul.” ~Van Morrison

“The next best thing is ‘round the corner, just look over your shoulder, never compromise.. Who cares if you’re unhappy ‘cause the next best thing will come along and be a surprise..” ~Shane Tutmarc

“Some folks may say that I’m no good, that I wouldn’t settle down if I could. But when that open road starts to callin’ me, there’s something over the hill that I gotta see. ..I love to see the towns a passin’ by, and ride these rails ‘neath God’s blue sky. Let me travel this land from the mountains to the sea, ‘cause that’s the life I believe He meant for me..” ~Hank Williams

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s definitely a lifestyle that keeps me on the move. Whether I’m physically able to find means to travel, or just relying on my overactive imagination to take my mind to another place, I keep changing my surroundings often in order to satisfy my wanderlust.

Putting together my 2011 travel scrapbook. What a great year!!

Ordinarily, I’m happy to be so nomadic. I’ve gotten to see and experience lots of things so far in life... learning what it is to be alive. And I’ve been constantly adding to that list of places to visit and explore, very excited to make the adventures a reality. But recently, I’ve been battling the thoughts of planting myself a bit and limiting myself to exploring life in a different way- by just being HOME...

Saying goodbye to Nashville this week has been honestly one of the toughest things I’ve had to do lately. Maybe ever. I’ve never so seriously considered missing a flight before- I’m usually very eager to fly away and experience the “next best thing” in life. But for some reason, this time, I felt grounded here, in so many ways.. attached to the faces and places around me, and rather CONTENT (an adjective I haven’t felt in quite some time).. Usually I can’t wait to move on to the next place and see what life has in store for me someplace else, but this time- it felt like everything I needed to find was right there. I still have no clue what I’m looking for, but that same something that told me to move to Nashville years ago was back, telling me that maybe, even if only just for a while, it was a time to stay put and figure things out someplace I really feel I belong.

It scares me to think- is this just part of GROWING UP? One of those epiphanies in life when you hit a certain point and realize things have changed? Maybe I can’t run forever. Maybe I’ll only find what I seek when I stop. I understand there is more responsibility that comes with adulthood, but I’ve always held onto the belief that one doesn’t need to fully grow up, ever- just to live by the book, work for ‘the man’, and let life run a ‘normal’ course. I know I’ll always have that childlike sense of adventure, desire for experiencing new things, and simple set of priorities. I don’t plan on settling down TOO much quite yet, as I won’t ever lose my wants and needs to travel to any corner of the world. But I don’t want to ignore the feeling I have to “stop and smell the roses” in a place I’ve been so easily able to think of lately as HOME.

My view of home as a kid. Oh, how things have changed..

“Home” is a word that’s always stirred a mix of feelings. Is it a building that holds all your stuff? Where you get your mail? Where you were born and grew up? Is it “where the heart is”? Where you sleep at night? Or go to for Christmas? Is it simply wherever you find yourself at the current moment? And if it’s a mix of things, which I feel it is, it makes it very hard to put a permanent label on a certain place declaring it “home”. But in viewing it the way I see everything else, it all comes down to what feels right. Where you can love, and be loved. Where things seem to fit and make sense.

And it’s ok if that changes! As often as it needs to.

I’m sure my “home” won’t always stay in one place forever. There’s just too much out there to ignore when, in theory, I’ve got a whole life ahead of me. But in choosing to let fate have its way with me, I can’t shut out my love of Nashville, my unusually strong interest in staying there, or how naturally its always been to say that it’s my “home”.

Always great to see ya, Nashville! You are music to my ears..

This week marks my 7-year anniversary of officially making the move to Tennessee. I’m so thankful I got to spend my recent days there and remember what an incredible part of my life it’s been. Thank you Nashvillians for these last 2 weeks (and on-and-off last 7 years..) filled with amazing reminders of who I am, who I want to be, what I love, and where I can always go to feel alive. It was the refreshing eye-opener that I needed, and I promise that I will be back SOON. To all of Nashville’s places and faces- I love you. I miss you already. You are my next best thing and I can’t wait to come back home to you.

Cheers to finding adventure wherever life takes you, and enjoying home wherever it may be..
~emjae.

Retracing My Steps

It’s a common suggestion that when you are trying to find something important you’ve lost, just retrace your steps. Go back to where you’ve been and look- you’ll likely find it there. I’m starting to think that’s kind of like what I’ve been doing lately, in a manner of speaking.

When I physically go back to a place where something in my life happened, I instantly replay the event in my mind- the sights, the sounds, the feelings… it all comes back. Sometimes so vividly that it simply amazes me.

It’s been happening so often lately, since I’ve been spending lots of time in the town I grew up in. When I go visit my old school, or church, the town theatre, the park, my grandma’s house.. almost everywhere is flooding my mind with memories of days gone by. Life-changing times, both good and bad. It can be crazy what you’ll find sometimes. The love and the laughter is there, the pain and the fear is there too. And sometimes it’s just the awkwardness and embarrassment of youth. (Oh “I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger”…)

This process of walking in the past, my OWN past, (aside from the past I wrote about in my last blog..) always inspires me- so last year I made (and am still continuing to make) my “then and now” album with some recent photos re-creating photos from the past.

Check out my whole Then and Now album on Facebook-
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=140908&id=511106612

It’s incredible to consider who I am now after who I was then, seeing the changes as well as what has stayed the same over the years. And those things that haven’t changed… I look at those things as what can help describe true character- something that can get covered up, or that becomes hard to see- LOST, even in our own selves.

This has always been a thing for me- something I enjoy doing, am pretty good at, and what I make myself do every so often- just to make sure that I’m not losing a part of myself that I should still hang on to. It’s good to move on in life, and to grow older and wiser with each new path we take, but it feels (and often proves to be) rather foolish to forget all the footsteps you’ve made to get where you are now.

I encourage you to go back, whenever you can and in whatever way you can, and take some time walking in your old footsteps. Visit places you remember from your childhood. Look at old pictures or read old notes you’ve written long ago. Or just sit back, close your eyes, and think back to how things used to be…

You might find something you’ve lost in yourself that you didn’t even know you were looking for, and finding it again will refresh you in such an amazing way…

My time back at “home” is nearing its end- so I’m going to spend a little while longer digging in what I’ve buried behind me, and then use it to pave a new road for what lies ahead. Reminiscing with old friends, reading my old journals, walking around what used to be my only world… I love learning from what I’ve been finding. What an amazing set of footprints I’ve already left on this world so far…

The girl that was before she was,

~emjae.