Seasons of Change.

The snow is falling, the season’s changed;
The future’s calling, for a life rearranged.

This I know, and I’ve known for awhile- that everyone’s life goes through seasons. Warm, sunny times. Cold and rainy times. Upward mountains and downward valleys. … No matter what stage you’re at in life, things are going to keep changing, and there are gonna always be good parts and bad parts.

Lately for me, I’ve begin to lose focus as to exactly what’s good and what’s bad. The valleys have become more treacherous, and the mountains don’t seem as substantial. The sun seems colder and time in my mind gets dark too soon. It’s like I’m going into a winter stage of life..

The last few weeks of my life were just like the autumn season we’ve been in. Lots of the changes that were happening seemed positive and beautiful at the time- like the cooling relief from the summer heat, or the leaves on the trees becoming brilliant new colors. But after awhile, the direction my life started going has been losing its luster and I realized that it might not be for the best like it seemed.

And now my life feels like it’s going thru another change, a harsher one. Like winter. Lots of things are dying away, or being forced into hibernation. The colored leaves have fallen to the ground and I really can’t wait for the cold air to warm back up again. But winter is a time for renewal I think.. the things that aren’t meant to last any longer will freeze away, and lots of things come to a standstill- like they are figuring out how to come back bigger and better in the Springtime.

So if this also is winter of my life, it’s time for me to hibernate for a little bit. Let go of the things I need to let go of, and do some thinking and growing so, come Spring, I’ll be a new person.. stronger, better, and with a more beautiful look to life than before. To help kick-off this newfound sense of needing a change, I’m heading ‘back to the beginning’ by taking a little break from Nashville life and spending the next few months in Minnesota. The small, frozen place I grew up, but am happy to have gotten away from.. but also where it feels I need to be for a season of life right now.

It's the road less traveled for a reason..

I know that a change of scenery will be refreshing to me (I’ve been kinda itchin’ to just get out, ANYwhere..) and I’m hoping that time with family and friends from the past will also help get my mind more completely back to where it needs to be. A few recent happenings in my life have opened lots of doors in my thoughts, causing so many sparks to fly in my head and my heart. I feel like a new person, but that new person is only temporary until a completely new person can take over. I feel like I’ve had a ‘change of self’ before, a few years after moving to Nashville. I didn’t see it happening, but I knew when I was a different person. This time, I can feel like the same thing is going to happen, although I’m fully aware of the process, and am more in control of where things end up. Which is a bit stressful, but exciting. When you’re looking for a change in your life, going into the unknown doesn’t seem as scary..

So this is goodbye Nashville, from the me that you know. If this winter goes well, the me that comes back next spring will be so much different, for the better. And Minnesota, it’s good to be back. Get ready. …and feel free to keep the temperature above zero for at least a few days. I’m ready to go through a metaphorical winter in my mind, but I don’t need to be frostbitten in real life...

Cheers to this new season. ..now bring on the Springtime.
~Emjae.

Shhhh...

...... ... .....

You hear that? ... ....

Nah, neither do I.

They say that absolute silence doesn’t exist, because where there’s life- there’s noise. And I suppose they’re right. I live a pretty crazy, loud life most of the time- so much music in every way, shape, and form.. so many different people-filled places.. and most of it has the volume cranked to 11.

But sometimes I get a little break and the noise dies down a bit. I was laying in bed a few mornings ago.. thinking.. watching the clock.. wondering if I had anything to do that would make leaving warm, cozy Blanket Sea worth it.. and then I closed my eyes and realized how eerily silent it had just gotten. I looked back at the clock and saw only black. The power had gone out again, as it often does around here, and I can almost always tell even when I’m not using any electricity.. because the house gets SO quiet.

It was so refreshing just to kinda lose myself for awhile. It didn’t matter what time it was, I couldn’t be tempted to turn on the stereo or the TV.. I didn’t have any distraction of the outside world at all. Just me and my thoughts, which were almost suppressed because I was so subconsciously ‘focused’ on the absence of noise. It’s funny how total silence can claim your attention like that- almost like the less noise there is, the louder it can seem. The Silent Band, as I call it. Or maybe it’s just too unsettling to the mind, because we’re so used to all the noise always around us.

I loved the feeling of this sound-less bliss, so as the weather got brighter and warmer, I regrouped outside. Laying on lawn.. enjoying the last gorgeous, lazy, 70-degree day of the season (the cold just HAD to finally find the South..) .. listening to only sounds of the nature around me, it became a much-needed worry-free day in imagination land. The autumn breeze blowing the leaves around the yard was so calming as I let one of the few quieter moments in life renew my mind.

Thinking is so much better when all you have is thought. The fewer things around you for your mind to take notice of, the better. I hung around outside for awhile longer and watched the clouds and I started to let my mind wander back into its normal raging waters, but the flow of thought was so much more bearable now. I went for a walk, without my headphones on (which is pretty rare).. and I thought about where I’ve recently been in life, and where I saw my life going. I have a feeling that the thoughts I pulled from that will give me plenty to ponder later on, but at least I got things started off right.

I guess I tell you this to remind you, and myself, to take a few minutes and let the world around you shut down. It’s hard for me to get away from people long enough, or to keep music far from my ears for long, but whenever I do.. it’s so refreshing to the mind, the body, and the soul. So take a moment today, listen to The Silent Band play for awhile.. you’ll be so glad you did.

Until next time… Enjoy the silence.

....

~Em-Jae.

6 x 615 = ...

Last weekend marked my ‘6 years in the 615’. I celebrate my Nashville anniversary every year, and reminiscing is always such a great mind-trip. It was an awesome weekend filled with good times, great friends, and probably a few too many drinks- ALL things that make my life in Nashville what it is. ;)

*Thanks Jesse and Anna for a really great Anniversary weekend!! :)

Every mid-November, I remember my move to Tennessee in 2004. But this year was a little different than the others- it was the first year that I really had to force my thoughts to think about the years here in retrospective. Lately, I’ve been focusing my mind on where I’m going, and what the years ahead will bring.

But part of where you’re going is knowing where you’re coming from, so I spent some time lately reflecting on these last 6 years- from the start. They’ve been 6 years of adulthood- living on my own, learning lots of life-lessons, finding people and adventures that have completely changed my life, and finding MYSELF.

It’s crazy how much a person can change in just a few years, but it’s not hard to believe with how dramatic your surroundings change. I moved right after high school at 17 from a small town in midwestern Minnesota to a capital city in the South, got my first place where I lived alone, my first car (that’s still goin’ strong!!), and learned the joys and pains of life past the age of 18. The good, the bad, and the ugly of the years since I relocated my entire life have totally morphed me into a new person. I subconsciously changed the way I lived, how I looked.. and my personality did a 180-spin in what I feel is a much better direction. Some days, it’s really hard for Emjae to even remember Melissa Jean at all..

*What would ''2010 emjae' have to say to '2004 melissa jean'?? hmm..

But thanks to being a writer through the years, I’ve been able to look back through my journals and see how things have changed my face, my heart, and my life. I remember laying awake in Minnesota the night before I moved here, scribbling my unsure and excited thoughts in my notebook. 2 guys that I had never met (but who have since become amazing friends in my life) were on their way to pick me up and take me away, to a distant place and a new future working in the Nashville music biz- something I’d always dreamed of. My insomnia befriended me in a new way that night, as I tried to imagine just how much my life was about to change.

*My first house here in town. What a palace, eh?

That first season in Nashville was tough, but fun. I made more mistakes than I can count, but the adventure of life on my own (something I’d been waiting for since I was probably 7..) was worth every part of it. And as my Nashville life hit its different stages, I learned how to function in the real world, and how the real world can wreck you to the point of barely being able to function at all. But right from my first visit to this town, it felt like HOME, and I knew I needed to be here. And soon after my short first trip to Music City in 2003, fate had its way with me and I got an offer to live and work in a city that fits me perfectly. I didn’t even give it a second thought, and I was on my way..

*First weekend trip to Nashville in 2003..

The night before I left for Tennessee, I went for a drive and saw one of the most amazing displays of the Northern Lights that I’d ever seen (something I REALLY miss about the night sky. The south needs Southern Lights I think..) I stopped and just sat outside on top of the car and stared up at the stars and the swirling beams of color.. thinking more fiercely than I had at that time of my life, but taking the amazing lights as a beautiful sign that everything was going to be ok, and that I was making a good move. And I think I was right. I couldn’t imagine where my life would have been on any other path..

*Greetings from Nashville- 2006.

Because after 6 years, I still feel like this is where I’m meant to be (as a home base anyways.. I’m realizing I’m sometimes more into a come-and-go, on-the-road lifestyle). Nashville has taken my life so far- I’m extremely thankful for all I’m blessed with and real excited to see what the next few years will throw at me. I’ve seen a lot here over the years- so many friendships, great bands and shows, tours and odd jobs, hardships, possibilities.. What a ride..

So- Happy 6^th Anniversary, Nashville. I started a new life with you years ago, and I plan on stickin’ with ya for years to come… If it’s in the stars that is. But wherever life takes me, I’ll always remember the road we’ve walked together. Cheers!


As the adventure continues,

~Melissa-Jean.

Scary Sweet Memories

What do you get when you cross a zombie, a punk, and a 60’s flower-child hippie?

…

..While I also would have accepted the answer of ‘a mixed-up Village People tribute band’, I have gotta say that the aforementioned made for a really awesome 2010 Halloween season in MJ-world.

I spent some time this week wrapping up all-things-Halloween. Packing away the costume bin, bleaching out stubborn red hair dye, editing and posting pictures (of course..) and composting my jack-o-lantern that did not age too gracefully. But I’m already finding myself thinking about the tricks and treats that next year will bring.

Halloween is my all-time favorite holiday. I’m not a big fan of autumn (it’s just always been to me a season where everything dies and turns cold..), but the holiday at the end of October always eases me into the change (and now there’s Zombie Day too!!) I love costumes, scary movies, black cats, and too much candy. And Halloween covers it all.

Strange as it may seem, Halloween also gives me the same sort of ‘home and family’ vibe that Christmas brings to most people. It was a special holiday even while I was growing up. My mom would take my brother and me to each pick out our own perfect pumpkin, and carving it was something I really looked forward to (that goopy feeling of reaching in and grabbing pumpkin guts is just awesome for some reason..). Halloween night, we’d all sit down at the table for supper (a VERY rare happening in my family) and have the exact same thing every year- a Tombstone pizza, cottage cheese, and Dr. Pepper. (Healthy, huh?..) Then, we’d get costumed up while watching the newest ‘Treehouse of Horror’ Simpsons Halloween Special and then go out trick or treating- visiting every house in town that had its yardlight on. Afterwards, my brother and I dumped out our candy bags on the living room floor, sorted everything into piles (except the duck foot I got one year from my grandpa, wasn’t sure how to categorize that one..), spent forever deciding on the perfect trades (Skittles are worth a Crunch AND a 100Grand. FYI.), and then pigged out while watching horror flicks for the rest of the night. Perfect. And every year, those same good feelings come back. I’ve gotta start going back home to my family for the Halloween holiday season..

I always had SO much fun thinking of and putting together a costume. Getting into the look and character of someone other than yourself is lots of fun. I’ve been remembering lots of the crazy things I’ve been over the years… A shadow, Swamp thing’s girlfriend (most sloppy costume award), an Egyptian, a black cat (yep, complete with my mom’s homemade mask and tail), an 80’s glam rocker, a ghostly prom queen, a 15-year old 5-year old (my excuse to color on my face with markers..), the masked killer guy from Scream (which is a mask I also wore with my black gown on graduation day, haha), Kung-Fu Panda, and a billion other things in my 20-some years of celebrating ‘wear a costume’ day. It’s so awesome to pretend to be someone/something else for a while, and going out to see everyone else’s getups is a blast. I wish there were more dress-up days during the year! I’m gonna start having costume parties. It’ll be awesome..

But until I get that going, I’ll be keeping my eyes on the calendar and waiting for the next October 31^st to roll around. Cheers to the sweetest and spookiest holiday of the year!!

In and out of disguise,
~emjae.

Dream with my eyes open, sleep when I'm dead.

It’s 2:37am.

I’ve been noticing this number come across the clock a lot lately. Usually at about this point of my night, I’m finding myself out somewhere- after a show, or just out with friends.. “last call” lies just around the corner and then we go our separate ways after a night well spent. Afterwards however, I don’t always crawl into bed and catch some Zs as they say. And some nights, like tonite, I find myself alone- just me and a brain that seems to remember everything else but how to sleep.

“Another night, sitting awake. The silence is suffocating
and my thoughts are a blur. I would give anything for some sleep.
Rest for my body, for my mind.
A restless soul is not such good company.
I wish I was elsewhere. I wish I was asleep.”

Sleeeeeep. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a LONG time. Insomnia’s always been a friend of mine. Blame it on what you will- crazy events in my life that’ve happened at night.. having a good company of caffeine while learning to work on the road.. or just being a classic night owl that loves when darkness falls.. Whatever the reason is, I often seem to be wide awake in body and mind, lately almost ridiculously so, while the rest of the world sleeps.

“I start to see more when my eyes are closed.
My blurry thoughts cave in on me. I used to enjoy dreams,
and then the dreams turned against me. Now I only want rest.
Quiet for my mind and stillness for my body.
I wonder if death is such a bliss. Eternal sleep. Endless rest.
But not blank, like this ceiling that I stare at. The hum of the silence
blended with thoughts grows louder.
Darkness moves in as I toss and turn.
The shadows are screaming and moving through this dark room.
I almost forget that I’m alone. My head is heavy.
I still wait for sleep to find me.”

Overall, I don’t know that I consider it a bad thing. My mind is most creative in the “lost hours” of the night. Although most mornings after sleep does catch up with me, I wake up to pages of paper half scribbled out and half just insomnia-fueled ramblings that I already no longer fully relate to. But something about my sleepless mind is a part of me I can’t imagine living without and is an artistic side of me I have to always try and channel into. But nighttime does have its, [no] pun intended, ‘dark’ side. It can be absolute torture not to be able to fall asleep. You get extremely tired sometimes and just can’t seem to shut yourself off enough to recharge. And needing the sleep or not, sometimes it’s just no fun to be stuck alone with your thoughts, because at least for me- thoughts always run wilder while the mind is attempting to take a break.

“My eyes open and close. Memories push their way into my mind
and then fade away.
I begin to talk as if you were right here with me.
Everything seems backwards. I stare at the blackness,
wishing it would swallow me soon. I dream of sleep as I lay awake.”

I’m not always alone while the night passes by. You meet some of the most interesting people at these hours. From when we were kids with nothing better to do than run around Walmart all night (the graveyard shift employees WILL enjoy the toy aisles with you..), to the folks I meet at 24-hour truck stop gas stations on my overnight cross-country drives, and just to the friends I find myself awake with when we don’t feel like sleeping. Over the last few years, I can count so many great pre-sunrise conversations I’ve had with people, and they’ve been the most real, fun, deep, amazing-in-many-ways hang out times that I’ve ever had.

But on some nights, the sandman makes a pretty successful run and forgets only me. Like tonite, where I sit awake with my notebook, a familiar late-night friend. (and hopefully I will actually end up posting this blog later..) My mind refuses to stop thinking. I try closing my eyes, but they seem more wide awake when they’re shut. A strange energy has always found me at night. I’m not sure if this fits into a pending definition of labeling myself as ‘insane’, ha, but at least I’m gonna put it to good use. Being awake both night and day is like getting a double lifetime. More time to live.. to think.. to love.. and, of course.. to write.

“My thoughts swirl around. Some I fight, some I surrender to.
And then the shadows stop dancing. They’ve fallen asleep.
The silent band has stopped playing. Everything is sleeping.
Except for me.”

Sweet Dreams,
~emjae.

(P.S. I know I was going to spice up my words a bit with some of my photos in these blogs.. but instead of pictures this time, I used bits of something I wrote back on another one of my sleepless nights years ago. Insomnia has been a friend of mine, and of my notebook, for as long as I can remember..)

Readable Writing

I’ve always been a writer.

I’ve always had a billion thoughts running through my head all the time. But I’ve never been much of a talker, people remind me of that all the time- from my Kindergarten teacher who says I’m the quietest kid she could remember, to people out at shows that say I haven’t said a word all night. I’m a thinker. I live inside my head (which will be a whole other blog, coming soon..) I can’t always figure out how to get my thoughts out from my mind in a way that makes sense when spoken to other people, but I could sit and write them down in notebook after notebook. Forever.

The reasons I write? Clear my head. Try to make sense of the things I think. To leave my thoughts behind as a trail of my life. My written words are what I feel show my personality the best. What I really think, feel, and believe.. how I deal with things.. the way I try to figure out life.. or just what I spend the days of my life doing. I’m constantly writing. Every day. I keep notebooks everywhere. And sometimes when it looks like I’m texting on my phone, I’m actually just typing thoughts to myself.

The reason I started a blog, aside from a bunch of folks constantly telling me I should, was to share some of the things I’ve written with people. But the reason I keep finding it hard to actually post things in this blog is that I’m scared what I write isn’t going to be readable. And readable, to me, is that you enjoy what you read. You are interested in it, you understand it- whether you agree with it or not. And that you feel some kind of emotion, or just a slight change in how you see something in the world after you’ve thought about it the way I do.

I recently found a book from 1949 that I’m starting to scan through- called “The Art of Readable Writing”. It jumped out to me right away, as I’m going through this, well, not so much of a writer’s-block as it is a.. poster’s-block. :P It’s been an interesting book so far, talking about adapting how we write from Aristotle, the importance of being trivial, degrees and results of plain talk, unpredictable words and readers.. and so on. All of those being chapters from the book by the way- yeah, it’s very “1949”..

Lately as I write what happens, what I feel, things I think as I ponder life- my thoughts have been so deep and personal that sometimes I can barely understand them myself. So I don’t want to share that stuff with anyone. Of course, I’m always gonna have thoughts that I might turn into words on paper, but won’t ever intend on anyone else ever reading. You ever find papers of things that you’ve written when you were younger? Desperate scribbles from a mindset you no longer have, and you think now, as you’ve moved on from that angst-filled frame of mind that seems silly to you now, how happy you are that NOBODY has ever seen those words? Ha, I definitely have, and I want to make sure that the things I write now aren’t going to be in the future as embarrassing as some things I’ve written in the past.

But my plan as I started this thing was to not think so much about what I’ve written, and just post things. I keep my completely private thoughts in their own place, and then I can collect from wherever else my words find themselves and then put them out there for you to read. However in the last few weeks as I lay out blogs, I re-read them and decide they are better left unsaid to the world. Either from being too complex, too confusing, too uninteresting, or just maybe too personal for public knowledge right now.

But as far as the stuff I DO decide to share with people- what am I going to leave for that? Do I want the only things I post to be shallow thoughts on an easy-minded blog? What kind of writer would I be then? Do I want to publicly write the same safe, common thoughts that we ALL have and can relate to? Words that leave nothing in your mind, won’t challenge you, or don’t stretch your own thoughts?
…
Of course not. I want to be a writer of emotion and substance, but above all, I just want to write what’s true in my mind, and my heart, and my life. Something tells me that if I stick with that, you’ll be satisfied enough with each blog of mine that you read.

So stay tuned.

~emjae.

P.S. and from now on, my blogs are gonna have some of my photos in them as well. Because aside from my written words, my pictures are my life. ;)

Life is like a song. ..or a video game.

So for the past few days, I’ve been on a little mini-vacation, and no vacation would be entirely complete without a little bit of Nintendo. ;)

I’ve loved video games for almost my whole life. I love the classic games, and finding new ones. I was recently introduced to what is instantly one of my new favorite games, and it’s kind of a mix of old and new! “Bit.Trip Runner” is a game on the Wii that takes old-school graphics and sounds from original 8-bit Nintendo games, and turns them into something totally cool and new! You control the Runner, and he basically just constantly runs through different worlds while you use different buttons to clear him from obstacles that come up in the way- either jumping or sliding or blocking or whatever. And every time you do so, each action makes a music note that goes with the beat in the background. It’s pretty much kind of amazing..

Leave it to me, while playing this game today, to start thinking about how it relates to my life. I usually always do compare things to life, and I have been pondering my own steps through time lately, so I guess it makes enough sense..

I sometimes feel like life is constantly moving by me, so fast that it’s hard to make the right moves at just the right times- whether it’s knowing what to do, or just being able to do it. Like in the video game, the Runner can seem to go so fast.. and if your timing pushing the button isn’t EXACTLY on, you have to restart the level. It can be extremely frustrating! My life is very much in the fast lane these days, and sometimes there are so many obstacles, they can be hard to dodge. I’ve been able to clear a bunch of levels, and feel pretty good about it, but sometimes I keep hitting things that send me back to start, and I never seem to be getting anywhere.

But it just takes time, and practice, and the sharpening of thought and reflexes in order to beat the game. On each new level, it’s hard to be ready for things you couldn’t see coming, you sometimes have to make a mistake. Even though you have to start that level over, you’ll be prepared for next time and make a much smoother run. As my life flies by me, I’m trying to take my time and figure things out. But control can get away from me every now and then, so I can just do my best to take life as it comes and learn from my mistakes- and I’ll get to cross another finish line.

There’s another part of Bit.Trip Runner that’s like life that I like as well. Of course- the music. Every move you make in the game goes along with the song that’s constantly playing, and I think that kind of association is a really fun part of playing this game. I’ve thought before about how my life is like a song. I think it’s a common analogy. I imagine all the people and events in my life are making notes and melodies, and when my life is over, I’ll get to look back on things and listen to the song that I’ve created, and I hope it will be the most beautiful thing I could ever hear. So I try to surround myself with the kinds of ‘melodies’ that will make my song worthwhile.

Well, I’m going to get back to playing this game for a little while longer, and then back to playing my game of real life for hopefully many levels to come.. with hopefully more bonus-level vacations in there as well. ;)

I just hope there isn’t a BOSS level coming up in my life anytime soon. Yikes.

Just another 8 bits of wisdom,
~Em.Jae Runner

Flying High.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. … and … FLYYYYYYYYY!!!

Yep. I got to fly last night. In a few different ways actually. We're knee-deep in this Six Flags tour that I'm doing with HotChelleRae and I got to ditch work a little bit after the show and ride a few roller coasters with the boys. I freakin’ LOVE roller coasters. Always have. I get a thrill from them even if I watch a theme park show on TV. Just the experience- the rush, the view from the top, the sensations you feel are so amazing. I put my arms out and flew along with the wind.. up, down, upside down and around, enjoying every second, forgetting every problem and worry from my day- it really just put the cherry on top of this perfect ice cream sundae that I call my life..

One of the rides we rode was the Superman. It was incredible. You ride it tilted all the way forward and follow the track not really able to see where you are gonna go next. Makes you feel like a superhero. (..one that just ditched a night of work to go fly around, ha..) While I wish I could see through walls or go invisible (hey, maybe I can for all you know. Guess what? I’m right behind you as you read this. Ok, I’ll go in the other room.. but I can still see you! ;) ) I don’t care too much about the superpowers of superheroes, just the fact that they always seem to be right where you need them, as you need them, with whatever you need from them. Maybe that’s why I’ve been in assistant-type jobs for so long. I love helping people and making their lives better/easier. It’s kind of my job out here with the band. Whenever I get to do something for them that they don’t wanna do, or happen to have something that they need at just the right moment, it always makes me feel great. I’d do almost anything for these guys, and I sometimes wish I could do more than I get to do, but I have to realize I can’t always be Supergirl. I do enjoy feeling like I am sometimes though. :)

I’ve enjoyed plenty of other flyin’ high kind of feelings out on tour. Sometimes it’s almost surreal. I couldn’t ask for a better job, a better band to work for, a better way to be spending my life right now. I still wake up some days thinking it’s all a dream, wondering why it’s ME that gets to be here, and realizing just how blessed I am. And while I still can assure you that not every element of touring with a band is wonderfully fabulous, I am so happy to be doing something I’ve wanted to do my whole life, with people that I love. Some parts of my days are a total headache (such as working outside.. on the surface of the sun, or figuring out paperwork amidst a morning hangover battle.. but the occasional flying high from alcohol is still worth it for me..), but most moments are incredible- similar to those you get while racing around a steel track, a wicked breeze making your hair look amazing, seeing things at an angle you normally wouldn’t get, and not being able to stop smiling. (and while I’m making this tour/coaster comparison, can I just say that the back of this tour van, in which I am attempting to write this right now, is extremely similar to a rickety old wooden roller coaster. Bumpy factor of 10.)

Now we’re continuing to “fly”, down the highway, across the country. I love all this stuff too. As boring or plain or uneventful as it may be sometimes (like a kiddy ride perhaps?), I still get a sense of adventure out here. It’s a high that I can’t explain and that I’m sure I’ll be experiencing plenty of for the rest of my life. Roller coasters fit well into that category too. ;)

So cheers to finding the things in life that lift us up, letting them take us away, and enjoying the flight- from the takeoff to the landing, over and over again.

Fly as high as you can, and I’ll meet you in the air.

Highways and Hotels

The worst thing about being a writer is that the things that happen in life that you want to write about are most often the times that words simply can’t express. And while it’s kind of a “had to be there” kind of a thing, I hope I can still explain the last week of my life to you in an interesting way..

Can’t believe these last few days have been only DAYS. Feels like a year instead of a week. First week of touring with HotChelleRae, an amazing band and friends of mine that I’ve known for years. The tour manager Britton and I drove the van from Nashville up to New York and met the band boys at the airport after their mini-tour in Australia. :)

Then we got started on one of the craziest rides I’ve (we’ve) ever put myself (ourselves) onto.. Warped Tour. I’ve done similar things, for a day or even a week out of the summer, but never to an extent like this. I don’t know that I’d go and say it’s absolutely awfully hard work all the time, it’s fairly simple, just the conditions are not always favorable. The hot, sunny weather we’ve had every day has been unforgiving. Finding the right stage and getting the gear and the merch to it every morning hasn’t always been easy, in some cities it’s purely super-human strength pushing me from somewhere beyond. :P The days are long at each festival, and the nights are long getting to the next city on the list.

In fact, as I write this, we are in the van on the way to Florida (and probably as I post this, sitting in the hotel in St. Petersburg..) after our show this morning in North Carolina. Last night I pulled an all-nighter, choosing to give up the 3 hours we actually had at the hotel to sleep, for me to use instead on doing merch paperwork, editing pictures, and visiting the swimming pool. ;) The night before last, I got about an hour of sleep after getting everything done for the next day. “Sleep deprivation” doesn’t really begin to say it all. The band is toughing it out too, half of them being sick, and all of us just trying our best to enjoy what we can, since it’s what we all want to be doing, and make it though the parts we hate, because it’s just part of the ride.

And the ride has been amazing so far. Funny to think that my first week of being 24 is crazier than my whole year as a 23 year old. I’ve met some great new friends and bands on the tour so far, enjoyed getting to know some friends again from years gone by, seen some cool things I never have before, and just having good times with the band. There certainly are enough times that have us at the end of our ropes, wanting to either pull our hair out or just drop and lay face down and out. But I think the hardest part is over, which is breaking into the mold of figuring out WHEN the hard parts are STILL gonna come, since they will, and learning how to deal with them. You really toughen up quick on tour and learn a lot about yourself and what your limits are.

So let’s see what the rest of this tour will bring along with it. And with only an hour of the last 2 days being spent on sleep (yeah, you’d better believe that just before writing this blog, I spent about 2 hours writing a rambling story about a man who went into ‘cloud-watching’ because 3 colorful cloud creatures promised him 3 things to benefit his life. Haha. Don’t know if I’ll be posting THAT one..) I think it’s about time I call it a night and use the few hours we have at this hotel to get in some good dreaming, before I have to wake up.. and realize that lots of my dreams have already come true..

On the road again..

I don’t think I can ever affirm it enough, but traveling is a part of my life that will always be who I am. I love seeing different parts of the world, from the major well-known sights, to middle of nowhere nooks that are probably only interesting to me. I love going places I’ve never gone before, and I also love the fact that I have complete paths across the country memorized.

Growing up, I was fascinated with eras of hitchhiking. From Jack Kerouac’s views of the 40s, to the hippie-esque 60s. And I’ve always dreamed of just starting to walk down the highway, riding in cars and on trains and never really ending up anywhere, just to see what I could see. Nowdays, it’s not as safe as it once was, so now I just dream of making enough extra money to hop in my car and just drive. Pick a road, then another one, no maps involved, get lost on purpose, and remind myself that exploration and discovery are such amazing parts of life.

While I do lots of adventuring on my own, I can’t always afford it.. time-wise, money-wise, and my poor car that’s approaching the 214,000 mile mark probably can’t take much more. Fortunately, I mean EXTREMELY fortunately, for the last few years, I’ve been able to find jobs that keep me on the road. Working for bands and getting to tour with them is like a dream within a dream. It’s something I’ve always loved, and every time I get to go out with a band, it’s like winning the lottery. A love/hate thing sometimes for sure, but that could (and probably will be) a whole new blog in its own. It is a lot of work, certain conditions are hardly ever even near-ideal, and it can take a toll on you being away from things and people you love.

But regardless of the hardships, being “on the move” as often as I can is going to be my goal in life. Or at least for this part of my life. These last few days have been amazing. I’m out enjoying parts of the country I’ve never been to before, but always heard about and dreamed of seeing. (The first view of New York City definitely has a magic to it that I haven’t felt in any other place I’ve been..) While I wish I wasn’t always working so I’d have more time to experience things, I get just enough of a taste to satisfy my need to travel, and just enough of an aftertaste to keep me ready to come back for more..

Goodbye 23.

Today, I’m 23 years old. But that won’t be true tomorrow. I can’t quite explain it, but 23 is all I’ve ever wanted to be. When I was younger, I’d dream of 23. I used to listen to songs about being 23, my favorite number was 23 (but with the wish for luck, I’ve added a 7 and MY number became 237..) and even before that movie “the Number 23”, I’ve had a fascination with it. It just felt… PERFECT.

I always believed that when I finally turned 23, something significant would happen. On one hand, I thought it was the start of what life really was. Maybe I would get married, or start the job I’d always wanted, or cross a giant event off of my “to-do before I die” list. Well, I’m not married, I am not working much of a job at all, and my “to-do before I die” list just seems to keep getting things added to it.

On the other hand, I used to think maybe 23 was all there was. As good as it gets. The best it would ever be. I’ve always had a big fear of the clock. Always wishing I could find a way to control time. And if I could, I would stay this age forever and never grow another day. My mind of the past, which wasn’t always an entirely sane one, used to tell me that after being 23, there wasn’t anything more. And that when the day of 24 finally came, the game of life would be over. And in that time of my life, I was fine with the thought. Live fast, die young, hang on to youth, and maybe to just remain in the naïve joy of this ‘ignorance is bliss’ stage of life, a freedom we know to be our early 20s.

Of course when I thought that, 23 was a distant light at the end of a tunnel. Now that 24 lies just beyond this evening, I couldn’t be more excited to see what’s on the other side. I feel like my life is really just beginning. And maybe that’s what 23 is. A new start, even without one of the significant things I thought would mark this point in life. Turn your walk into a run, begin a whole new path (although keeping the memory of roads once traveled), and finally start learning what life is all about.

For some people, 18 is the age of freedom. For others, 21. For me, it was 23. My doorway to the life I was made for and have been trained for. And I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow, stare 24 in the eyes, and say “I’ve been waiting for you. I’m ready. Show me what you got…”

A Writer of Life for Life.

So.. Welcome to my blog! I don’t know if I’ve ever really liked that word. “BLOG”. Maybe I should just say, welcome to my thoughts as they become words. It’s a little longer, but it says what it needs to say.

I have ALWAYS wanted to start a real, lasting blog. I’ve posted things online before that I’ve written. Which sometimes is beneficial, and other times comes with regret. And that’s what I get scared of as a public writer. A blogger is just a public thinker, right? Letting people into your thoughts can be a crazy thing. But I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always. And sharing what lives in your mind is just a part of the job. I’ve been writing since I could tell my mom what to tell the pen to write. And as soon as I could move it myself, I’ve been writing ever since.

I think writing is one of the most amazing things. You can communicate with people on such a different level. You can talk to YOURSELF better. You keep a record of your life, and you express what’s in your head- lightening the load in your mind. You can discover a part of yourself that you didn’t know was the way it was, and other people can get to know you in ways that other things could never show.

So that’s why I’m finally starting this thing. I can’t wait to see what comes of it. I used to be afraid to post things I write because I feel like no one else will get it, or that it isn’t profound enough, or because I feel completely different the next day. OR that no one would ever want to read it. And even if no one does- it still exists. For me to look back on when I need to remember who I was and what I’ve learned. So, everyone, or just future ME, let the words begin. Hope I can keep you interested..